Am I able to walk away? Am I able to walk away from you, purposefully, with no need to look back? This is what I’ve been asking myself recently.
Since the moment we first met, I’ve always been afraid of the fall. Or rather, I’ve been afraid that nothing will be there to slow it. To prevent me from scratches.
You have broken all my walls. You have jumped far beyond my borders and the worst thing is that I invited you in. I gave myself up to you. Voluntarily, with my stomach full of butterflies and eyes blinded by your smile. You haven’t broken my walls, no, I have crashed them down for you. Your sweet words and sweeter touches were enough to trust you. I wanted you to adore me so I showed it all. My weaknesses, my powers.
Oh my, how could I have let this happen… how is it that I haven’t kept my distance? I really got blinded. I liked what was happening so much that I have lost precaution during the process. I liked that you cared about my feelings, I liked the pureness we both were trying to create. I like it still, truth to be told. I like that we are honest and prevent each other from being hurt… but it scares me off at the same time.
Why are we working on our relationship so hard? I have expected you to be just a phase. How the hell did you get under my skin? You are my first love… I don’t want it to hurt too much when the time to move on will come.
And I won’t walk away proudly. I won’t walk away with my chin sticking out. No, my legs will shake. I already know that. I may even slip a few times. I will look for you by my side, ready to catch me. The first moment when I’ll wake up in the morning with eyes still blinded by dreams I had, there I will realise that you are gone. And it will be ripping my chest apart until the flow of a day takes my mind away.
I don’t want us to be able to destroy each other, my dear. I wish we could keep it simple, somehow. I wish you would take me as a phase as well. I have let it come too far. Now heavy braking is needed to restore my balance.
I have to keep my energy mine. I have to work on myself with no need for you by my side. I don’t want to miss you so much…
I hope I would breathe freely without you. I hope the world would be just as beautiful as it used to be. I wish you took it the same way. I wish you knew… you can’t be my last.