Certain moments go on forever. Like when you waved me this morning, carelessly, pointed your thermos of coffee towards me, as if cheering me lightly, mobile phone in your second hand, driven into a talk with someone who wasn’t me at all.
It is more than 9 P.M. and that moment is still rewinding across my mind. How I waved you back, only a hint of a smile on my face, pretending to be as uninterested as you were – even though there was a piece of rock pulling itself down my throat, stopping the intake of blood to my heart afterwards. Oh my, how hard it was to continue walking as if nothing had happened, how hard it was to persuade my legs to move when my whole body was collapsing feeling the presence of you.
Presence of a man who had left my life months ago and yet is still making me feel this vulnerable.
I think that it doesn’t matter how much time it’s been, it doesn’t matter how much time it will be, I shall never stop have feelings for him.
To have feelings? What kind of a weak phrase is this? These are not feelings what I have for him. This is raw pain, crashing into my chest, kicking me until I fall on my knees every time I see him.
This is the knowledge that we live only a few houses apart and yet he hasn’t the tiniest inch of an idea of what he means to me.
Certain moments go on forever. It seems to me that there’s a large part of my soul living in the moments we shared together. There’s a parallel universe happening in my cell atoms, the universe in which the time hasn’t passed.
I hated those moments then when drying me of all my energy. Now I would take any hour we shared together, even if it would be the one in which he had shouted at me.
Actually, now I realise that I prefer these memories to ‘good’ ones. Because if I found myself laughing with him again, listening to his melodic voice, if I found myself in the second he touched my arm… if I felt his skin on mine one more time, I swear it would kill me.
And yet… I have to live in these moments somehow. Otherwise I can’t explain why wouldn’t the flame in my body he had set stopped the moment he was gone.
Certain moments go on forever. I must have been with you lately. I must have been in the moment when our faces were just a few centimetres apart, you taking something out of the car trunk and me, not being able to inhale.
Or are the moments I am living in stronger? Are we further than in all of my wildest dreams? Am I reaching for the stars in your eyes, are we lost in each other’s arms?
You own a big part of me. No matter who shall come, I know that I’ll still need you just as on the first day we met.
Because you go on forever.
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