the words i have never said

the words i have never said

We are sitting in the car together. The evening is warm, your hand is reaching for mine and something in the air is tearing me apart.

How when your skin finds mine, I forget to inhale. How you are tender and energetic, both at once, how I wonder whether your lips feels the same. How you are leading…. and I trust. At this moment, I could jump down the cliff after you.

I want so much more, you know. More than just a sign to turn the steering wheel in the right direction. For another touch, for a kiss, for feeling your eyes fixed to mine, I know that I would sacrifice anything.

When you touch me, my personality doesn’t make sense anymore. Everything I was, everything I have been till that moment somehow disappears and you are the only thing that matters. The border behind which I am keeping my emotions is shaking dangerously. My desire is almost flowing out of my veins.

I already realise, I already know that life has never been as difficult as in this moment. The moment he was everything to me and concurrently, I felt that I was nothing to him.
Two huge waves were breaking in my brain. One was a passion to which he had aroused me with that innocent, meaningless touch. The second, that was pain based on the knowledge that nothing would happen between us.

At that time, however, I could not identify and name it this way. I just felt my head spin from his masculine figure as he got out of the car.

His face and crystal-clear eyes, in which peace was reflected, pierced me like blunt, hot needles. The strong yet soft sound of his voice resonated in my ears and it was incredibly difficult to understand the meaning of his words. It was so bad that I could close my eyes, let myself be carried away by that sound, imagine his lips rubbing against each other, and as long as he talked, I would not care where and how I drove. The way I needed him was raw and desperate.

I don’t know what caused this all. Maybe this need has something to teach me. Maybe we’ve agreed in past worlds to go through this together. He doesn’t remember it now, but the day may come when he tells me that my self-control was admirable.

Maybe I once had a harmonious marriage with him. Maybe I subconsciously remember it and that’s why I’m losing solid ground under my feet when he’s near. Maybe that’s why I feel cold sweat and shiver when he calls my phone. Maybe that’s why my energy gets stuck and stops flowing every time we accidentally touch, he reaches over me and I suddenly see his fingers and veins on his wrist dangerously close to me. Maybe a few lives later, I’ll find the connection I crave.

I know the day will come when these lines mean nothing anymore. I will recover from him. My heart will let him go, as it had let everyone before.

At the same time, I know that I still have a lot of suffering ahead of me. He will cause every wound I am to feel. He will stand behind it all… and he won’t even know.

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