fifty-four

fifty-four

on our date fifty-four months from now

you are thirty
wearing new clothes
talking with a voice rougher than i remember

you seem confident as you always have
and you still make me smile

i am twenty-five
i have finally figured out my style
but today i look feminine, a little too much
’cause i think that’s how you like it

i don’t wear glasses anymore
and i seem a bit exhausted from school
but the spring has been going good, i tell you

we both have been going to the gym past few weeks
our bodies look strong
but what about our minds, dear, what about our minds

i can see it in the wrinkles around your eyes
i can see it in the way you laugh
for too long
as if you were afraid you’ll never get to laugh again

what were those years like, i want to ask 

instead, i talk about my studies
and why i haven’t abandoned them
you talk about your job
and why you haven’t abandoned it

you mention some colleagues and friends i remember
and ask about mine

on our date fifty-four months from now
there are moments when you look at me directly
but it’s as if i wasn’t even there
you can’t catch me
and truly make an eye contact

i have never been able to look into the eyes of a pain
into the eyes of a boy i loved
into the eyes of you

on our date fifty-four months from now
part of me still aches for you

in a way i am still
twenty years old girl
first semester of university, Coronavirus and you
you in my mind
but out of my arms

i cannot look at you for that i could break
your eyes reflect everything i have been avoiding
my loneliness and my questions
the chaos of my mind

i honestly don’t know
if on our date fifty-four months from now
we stand a chance

or if we just remind ourselves 
i have loved you
i have caused you pain
i have left you
you have let me

and then, fifty-four months from now
you may return
to the arms of a woman waiting for you home
to her who understands
to her who let you go but was nervous the whole evening

to her, so different from me
but that’s what you needed, i know

and maybe, fifty-four months from now
it will be okay
we’ll make a closure and it will be okay

we’ll make a closure i began
when i woke up next to someone else
a closure you began when you bought that ring
you hide in your old room
i believe somewhere in that mess
are photos of me as well

and maybe i have crossed you mind there in that shop
she would murder her, you though
but she’s always said she wanted me to be happy
and then you maybe smiled

listen, i have smiled too
for a thousand of times when i thought of you
you exist
you are good one
you made me happy
i used to say

and to repeat those words
could be the only thing that kept me sane

i confess all this to you
on our date fifty-four months from now

and this is goodbye
this is for good
but our hearts aren’t breaking like they did five years ago
when we were younger
weaker
and hopelessly in love

there are tears in our eyes but it’s just nostalgia

the real life starts now, i realise
we’ll marry and have kids and still think of each other from time to time

i kiss your cheek like i promised a long time ago
i kiss you as i wasn’t able to at the end

you hug me tight and long
you hug me as on out first date
for the first moment, my chest feels hard

he is leaving once again, my evil mind whispers
i am not breaking, no, but some parts are cracking

we have loved each other so much
and memories don’t hurt until we touch
just for a while
they feel good


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