balcony writings // or lots of green

balcony writings // or lots of green

as i was sitting at the balcony one spring evening, i felt warmness in the air
i heard sound of birds swimming in the wind
and i saw lots of green
down in the garden.

the truth is, there was everything, which was supposed to make me happy.
at that moment, it wasn’t enough
(or maybe it was never enough)

so i thought
i probably have routes to go, places to see
i probably have fights to fight, until that view will fill me with happiness.

as I was sitting at the balcony one spring evening, i realized that i am looking for something
and that i even don’t know what it is.

even if i would found out, i had no idea where to take it from.  

was i looking for my strength? 
was it hidden in my veins, not able to got out?

or was it  braveness, i was looking for? 
would i find it, jumping from that balcony, 
would it fill my lungs with adrenaline, making the weakness disappear?

was i looking for confidence ….or did i ever have one? 
i had no idea, where it was …or why, …or how it even got there

so there i was, realising those are things which i could’t use, realising 
i am losing myself
losing the qualites i used to have, writing these illogical words, not being able to use them poetically anymore
they’re getting out of me… the way they are

as i was sitting at the balcony one spring evening, i saw a cat underneath me
she was sitting still, her eyes fixed to mine
and there was something in the way she was looking at me. 

as i was sitting there, i realised
she was looking as she knew everything i had inside
as she knew even more than i did
and didn’t need me to explain a single word.

or maybe it was something different
maybe it was just a surprise i saw in her eyes.
was she only surprised to see a human, sitting at the balcony on that evening, looking at her as she knew
everything she had inside?

it seems to me, as i am sitting on this balcony 
that i am staying here
trying to figure out something from nothing.

or i’ll just keep on 
listening to the birds
i’ll try to let the warmness come inside my chaotic heart
and i’ll be looking at lots of green
and the sun shining through.                                                                                       

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